a realization that goes back a while...

After my last post I went on to have one of the hardest nights at work that I may ever experience. In my life. It was a combination of things but I didn't sit down the whole night and I didn't eat... and I cried the whole way home and cried myself to sleep... It was a night that made me not only never want to go to work again but also made me never want to be a nurse again. In 14 hours I went through enough frustration, confusion, anxiety, and panic that I would have traded in the letters RN behind my name for just about anything, especially if it was a mode of transportation far away from 4 West on McCallie Avenue Chattanooga, TN.
Thanks to my support system, I didn't quit and I have worked 5 nights post "the night that will live in infamy." And I have also come to a realization about the way I have been both working and living my life. Get ready...

My emotions have been too closely tied to how on top of my work/life I feel...

This may not seem like earth shattering news and I am sure that many of you who have known me for any amount of time are shaking your head saying, "duh Amy... the sky is also blue if you have noticed..." It is a "new to me" concept that has been shaping my day to day life. It took something like that horrible night at work to make me realize how I have been basing my worth and supposed success on being good at what I am doing. So all through high school, definitely through college, and let's be honest, through middle school and earlier, I have felt confident and good about myself because I have been relatively good at what I have been doing... I hope this doesn't come across as bragging, if anything it should show how ridiculous I have been... So while I was in school I was fine. I am good at school. I can do school. No problem. And then I got out of school and into a job and had a reality check... Nursing was harder than I thought but orientation was fine. I could manage. Then I was out of orientation and on my own. That was even harder, but if I had an easy section of patients I was fine. I could scrape by. But if I had a hard section and was behind the whole night it undid me. I could not function... I would be fighting tears in the clean supply room/med room/halls/nurses station/elevator and forcing myself to hold back my emotions in patients' rooms. And I would still be behind... its ridiculous I know. 

So then somewhere in the midst of processing what was going on I hit on my problem... hence the revelation. Now I go to work and I have a plan, I know myself and I know what I will be facing (for the most part). I still have moments of panic and frustration but I am getting better at talking myself down from near hysteria...

My continued employment is thanks to God and his provision of Erin, my parents, AC, Becca, Kati, Sheena, and more amazing friends and timely encouragement. 

I am grateful for this job, I don't think I want to do it forever but I am learning a lot. 

Sheena pointed out a key piece of surviving work. Be present to work when you are on the job, and when you are not at work, don't think about it. 

So this blog was me sorting out my thoughts and I am now going to not think about work anymore. I am going to probably organize something or paint something with chalkboard paint. Currently any inanimate in my apartment is at risk of being covered in chalkboard paint... I am obsessed...